Four years ago, my world came crashing down around me. I lost my job, my career, my best
friend, and my sister passed away — all within a period of months. The weight of grief and
uncertainty weighed heavily on me, threatening to suffocate any aspect of hope. I was
trapped in a vicious cycle of anxiety, self-doubt, and low self-esteem. The weight of my
emotions often feeling overwhelming, leading me to resort to harmful coping mechanisms
like self-harm and binge eating. In a constant battle to navigate the unstable thoughts in my
head.
The pain of losing someone
Losing my sister to cancer shattered my world in ways I never imagined possible. The pain of
her absence is a constant ache, and I find myself wrestling with questions that may never
have satisfactory answers. There are moments when I blame myself, wondering if I could
have been a better sister, if I could have done more to ease her burden or somehow change
the outcome. It’s a heavy weight to carry, made even more troublesome by the relentless
wish that it had been me instead of her.
I’ve found it challenging to reach out to others for support. While my family is navigating
their own pain, it often feels like we’re each trapped in our individual orbits of sorrow,
unable to bridge the gap between us. This isolation only deepens the sense of guilt and
loneliness, making it difficult to find the courage to open up about my struggles.
Infidelity and betrayal
Among the chaos, whispers of infidelity shattered what little remained of my confidence.
My husband’s betrayal cut me deep, leaving me drowning in a sea of self-doubt and
insecurity. Questioning what was real and what wasn’t. 15 years together with 8 years of
marriage — a milestone that should be celebrated with joy and gratitude. Yet, for me, it just
added to the rollercoaster ride I am on of loss, betrayal, and self-doubt. I would cry at work, second-guessing every decision, and worrying incessantly about letting everyone down. I poured my heart and soul into my work; some would say I worked too much.
Striving for perfection in a desperate attempt to prove my worth somewhere. But no matter how hard I tried, anxiety and self-doubt nibbled away at my confidence, leaving me feeling utterly useless. Even if someone would praise me for something I’d find the negative. In the eyes of my boss and colleagues, I might come across as someone who can never be wrong — a trait perhaps seen as big headed or confident. However, behind the front lies a different truth. The truth is, the fear of letting someone down, or facing further losses in my life, is a constant source of anxiety that eats at my core. It’s a fear that runs deep, triggering a defensive response in even the most mundane of situations.
The sensation of fight or flight becomes all too familiar, as if every interaction is a battle to
prove my worth and avoid any potential consequences. It’s not a choice I consciously make,
but rather a reflex born out of the overwhelming dread of facing disappointment or failure.
The fear of losing even more than I already have driving me to defend my position at all costs, even when it might seem something so small.
At home, I gave everything I had, hoping to salvage what was left of my crumbling marriage.
But despite my efforts, my husband continued to cheat, leaving me feeling isolated and
alone. My social life disappeared, overshadowed by the suffocating grip of anxiety,
depression and hope that every minute I spent at home would make my husband remember
he loved me. Living a double life where I project an image of strength and stability to the outside world while tackling with inner pain and lack of self-worth was exhausting — constantly wearing a mask to conceal the pain while yearning for someone to see through the mask and offer a
lifeline.
Being a strong independent, fun, happy and loving mum to my daughter and telling her to know her self-worth and never be anything other than herself. Yet, among the chaos, there is a glimmer of honesty with myself, a recognition that I am struggling and in need of support. It’s a raw and vulnerable admission, one that I would often wrestle with in silence, unsure of how others will perceive my struggles. But in acknowledging my own pain, I took the first step towards healing, towards breaking free from the shackles of secrecy and shame.
For three long years, I clung to a relationship that was built on lies, convinced that I didn’t
deserve anything better. The fear of being alone, letting people down and everyone seeing
how I wasn’t worth it to the man I loved and married was too scary. But now, as I stand at
the beginning of a new chapter, I realise that it’s time to reclaim my identity, to remember
who I am and what I’m worth. It won’t be easy, and the road ahead is burdened with
uncertainty. But I refuse to let fear dictate my future any longer.
Becoming a mental health wellbeing coach
I took part in a Mental Health First Aider course through work that reminded me we are not
always all right, and that’s fine. That the stigma of Mental Health is the main issue of people
like me who are struggling and don’t ask for help. It was a massive eye opener, and I related so much that I found myself digging deeper into what I could do to help others wake up to this, too.
So, I became a Mental Health Well Being coach! My journey has been both harrowing and enlightening, shaping me into the advocate and coach I am today. Enduring the isolation and shame that often accompany mental health challenges ignited within me an enthusiastic desire to dismantle the barriers that prevent others from seeking help. Drawing from my own struggles I’ve cultivated a deep empathy and understanding for those navigating similar grounds.
Now as a Mental Health Well Being coach, I train others to drop the stigma and understand. It’s through my own journey of resilience and recover that I’ve found purpose in supporting others.
I am worth more than the sum of my mistakes and failures. I have strengths and qualities
that are uniquely mine, waiting to be rediscovered and nurtured. And though the journey
ahead may be daunting, I am determined to find the courage to walk it—to embrace my
vulnerabilities and embrace the possibilities.
So, here’s to new beginnings, to rediscovering my worth, and to never settling for anything
less than I deserve.